aku nak
semua

friends

But
at the end of the day
All you have is yourself

nafsu

pernah tak kau rasa

sangat sangat berdosa

tapi akhirnya kau tak buat apa apa

nafsu

kalau aku boleh buang kau

dah lama aku buang

tak pun

aku pijak pijak sampai hancur

kepada abang yang muka macam que haidar,

kebab yang awak jual kat pasar malam memang sedap.

KEJAM AKU

sebab aku rasa nak menangis
hidup ni susah
hati perasaan semua aku macam nak campak
sebab aku taknak peduli lagi.


tapi
aku kena berjuang demi masa hadapan
nak mengalah sekarang memang tak berguna

aku 18tahun
masih jauh untuk aku pergi

mungkin sekarang susah
supaya aku bersedia untuk susah yang akan datang

aku nak jerit
aku nak tidur
aku nak belah
aku nak lari

tapi akhirnya aku kat sini
luahkan semua yang ada dalam hati

walaupun aku tahu
tak kira panjang mana aku mengadu kat sini
ia takkan mengubah apa apa

aku kena menghadapi realiti
akhirnya

argh. aku perlu berdoa.

lelaki

sometimes, guys

they think they are so cool so

they make fun of the girls

I admit, girls do overreact sometimes

we are sensitive, predictable, gedik, drama queen,

but really guys,

sometimes you just have to look at us further

more, deeply. i guess 

because we are more than that

most of the time we regret everything we say

or everything we do

we even feel sorry for ourselves 

Dear future,

please be nice,
go ahead and make me cry
make me suffer
but at the end of the day,
please tell me that
everything is worth it
and I would be fine.

we accept the love we think we deserve

somehow when I was reading this line before
I felt there are some kind of feelings in my heart
that i can relate to

umm you see, I havent actually found the right one, umm yet
Im not actually looking, though
there are so many things happening now
and I was busy with my foundation

well crush is a lot different story
they just come and go,
just a little something to fill the loneliness inside

but you see even though im quite busy with stuffs
there were times when I really thought a lot about these things

sometimes I really just accepted the love I thought I deserved
just that I wanted to be loved
I wanted to feel something
with someone

like I said before, im not looking
but you can say there are some guys
ah well
mostly they come and go (or me running away)
and every single of them will left me with something
its either a lesson, or.. idk i cant think
urgh im not talking  about this

thing is, when I started to think about liking someone
(and when I like someone, I always like someone who is sexy as hell)
I couldnt help but feel that this guy is too good for me
there I am, with average beauty and average body
not sopan santun, talk a lot about crappy things
amazingly not attractive, not worthy, a loser.

but lately I have been ignoring this negative bullshit
that I created myself
i started to think about
"dude im sexy as hell and funny as ever. despite my average look, im not plain. there are so many greatness in me. I couldnt even express that in words."

and yeah life is mostly full of bullshit
but believe me, you are what you think you are
dont let those negative things define you.

we accept the love we think we deserve, and we deserve a beautiful one.

so keep going
because all the good things come to those who wait.

being alone

lately,

I always be alone. like you can say I walk, drive and eat alone.

not that im being anti social or anything.

but you can say this phase im facing right now is quite bizarre

cause I never think so much and talk too little in my life.

mostly I just talk craps and whatever random things on my mind.

but at this very moment, Im quite comfortable

with all these.

now I have time to think about everything again

like what I said before

what I did before

i tried to define myself

and I thought more about

what im going to do next

not that I dont think about them before

I did

but when you are all alone

you kinda see things more clearly

and feel something more deeply

intensely

I have been thinking so much about my future. 

random things like what I really want to do with my life

what I ought to do to be happy

that kind of stuffs.

and before when I was walking alone 

I observed more about my surroundings

I never actually did that. 

and when I did, I felt..

emm idk how to describe these feelings

but yeah something just stab me right in the heart

and surprisingly I feel much much better, positive, grateful  

that kind of things

I always be that funny random cheerful girl

that just who I am. I cant stop being myself

but im grateful that now I have more time for myself

im still confused though

my grammar sucks. yeah

i will be focusing more on that

after this

i promise

sebab aku percaya

well im quite strong. I never actually knew how strong I am.
I think im going to be fine.
my future is going to be awesome.
im going to find a great man.
im going to have a nice family.
a great job, nice kids, big house, shinny cars.

semua aku boleh redah.
sebab selagi aku percaya aku tahu aku boleh.
aku mesti boleh.
sebab nikmat hidup kita boleh rasa selagi kita berjalan.
kalau jatuh pun kira nikmat jugak la.
mana boleh kau jalan tak pernah jatuh.
takpe aih jatuh.
selagi kita bangun
selagi kita percaya semua benda yang jadi ada hikmahnya
apa orang kata?

everything happens for a reason.

selagi kau genggam ayat ni.
selagi kau sanjung Dia
selagi nyawa dikandung badan
selagi kau tak mati
kau mesti boleh.

macam aku,
orang yang selalu pijak aku adalah diri aku sendiri.
kalau aku kuat pijak, aku mesti kuat untuk bangun balik.
hati memang tak boleh control.
tapi satu benda hidup mesti kena terus ke depan.
nak rehat jap tepi jalan pun boleh.
tapi lepastu kena masuk track balik.
kene ke depan.
kalau nak pandang belakang pun jeling jeling sudah lah
yang penting kau pergi depan.
kalau kau stop pastu pandang kat belakang je buat apa.
depan je.
tu je hala tuju kau.

apa nak jadi pun jadi lah.

Dear papa,

you know i used to wonder why I never see you cry before. i mean,  you never cried in front of me. ever. not even once. not even when our relatives died or when granpa was sick. when i was being rebellious when im not listening. but now tht i think about it, i have figured that you love me so much. you never show your tears because you want to show me tht no matter what happens, even if something bad happens, you want to convince me that everything is going to be alright. nothing can hurt me as long as you're there. pa, i know how much you had suffered before. you were born poor. papa hidup dengan 2 helai baju sehelai seluar. pa nina tahu dulu papa basuh baju orang untuk dapatkan duit dekat asrama. nina tahu dulu atuk miskin. adik beradik papa ramai. papa tak balik raya sebab takde duit. your life used to be soooo hard. i know. thats why papa taknak anak anak papa lalui benda yang sama papa pernah lalui. sebab tu tak kira apa pun terjadi papa taknak kami rasa sikit pun susah.

you know what papa, i used to think that we are rich. because you gave me everything. dslr phone money laptop cloths shoes name it. i have it all. But as i grow up I started to observe more. Pa, the only reason why i thought that we are rich is because you never show me how much pain you hv been through to get everything I need. i never realize how busy you are (work at 7 until 5) and how many times you have been sick. Pa, i never see you suffer. i thought life was easy for you. you can get whatever you want whatever you wish.

 i was wrong. pa, ( too young to realise). pa, the worst thing is, you never spent for yourself. I WAS SOOO STUPID TO ONLY SEE IT NOW. I am sorry pa. even that papa yang cari duit tu susah susah dari pagi sampai malam yang belanja duit titik peluh papa semua kami pa. you gave everything tht mama wants. dari rumah kereta sampai segala galanya. every penny of them falls to us. pa, I know how old and annoying your laptop is. BUT YOU BOUGHT ME THE LATEST ONE PA! you didnt spend your money for yourself  but you bought me one instead just because I said that I want one.even though you rarely used your laptop, I know you still need them. i thought you never want anything.  until one day, I found out that you want something for yourself. a bike that cost ratus ribu idk. sama harga dengan sebijik kereta. pa, for the first time in my life, you said that you want to buy something for yourself. not for mama not for me. for you.. and gosh I know how much you want them. even though you never mention how bad you want that bike but i know pa. i know that you always buy a magazine about them, I once saw you watched youtube about it. i once heard your conversation that if I manage to fly, you wished to buy that bike from australia keep it there for one year and bring it here. and if i am going to be a student there, it will be no problem to do so.

 pa, i hope i can fulfill your dream this time. I never gave you anything. anything pa. so this time. only for this time i wish i can give something to you. i can never repay your kindness, but at least this time pa. i really want to do this for you. because I know if I failed this time, you will forget about that bike and buy me a car instead. kalau nina belajar kat Malaysia I know. you would definitely do that. but if I failed, im sorry. im going to try so hard but if takde rezeki, please.. my foundation is hard. so hard i can barely breath for myself. but they said nothing is impossible. pray for me. well, i know you always do that 

I love you pa. i love you so much.

HAHA

to be frank, I HATE GRAMMAR. i really do. i dont even know how to pronounce that word correctly.

berubah

orang tak reti bersyukur.

memang bodoh.

bodoh

bodoh

bodohlah kau milla!

.

"perasan swag, rasa semua orang musuh kita, its a part of growing up"

AFIQ  HR

LOL

mengimbas memori dengan penuh perasaan

lapan belas tahun aku hidup.

tahu umur tu masih tak matang

garam tak cukup makan lagi.

hidup tak penuh dengan duri lagi.

I just need to say that I am remarkably grateful for having such a wonderful life.

I didn't get everything that I wanted but.... yeah.

aku sedar, aku anak sulung - selalu pastikan yang apa aku nak, aku dapat.

sebenarnya nak cerita

my childhood was actually more or less the same with everyone.

I have mama papa adik nenek atuk sedara jiran.

crush sebelah rumah , crush anak kawan mama.

pretty much the same.

but, back then I was rebellious. 

pergi sekolah pun pakai make-up you.

rambut tocang dua kalau tak taknak pergi sekolah.

ponteng sekolah perkara biasa.

ponteng puasa jangan cerita.

menipu menipu menipu menipu.

senang cerita aku ni memang penipu habis dulu.

orang kata mula mula menipu lama lama mencuri.

tak kisah siapa orang tu, tapi dia betul.

aku mula mencuri. curi duit mama sekali rm50 , 

curi duit tabung sendiri walaupun mama tak kasi.

okay aku tarik balik, mungkin childhood kita berbeza.

but then I was grateful to have such an amazing parents,

who raised me up and give me a birthday cake every year.

they give me everything they could to make sure 

I have everything I need.

In primary school,

you can say i am quite.. better.

bukan devil yang suka menipu dan mencuri lagi.

kejap, menipu tu mungkin.

old habits are hard to die.

aku mula suka anime entah apa apa

lepastu first exam aku dapat number 2 dalam class.

kalah dengan bestfriend sendiri.

aku bukan suka sangat belajar dulu.

nak kata rajin, balik rumah melantak membongkang macam boss adelah.

tapi aku tak suka kalah.

dannnnn sebab aku rasa aku nak dapat number 1 aku pun study lah.

aku dah kata aku memang selalu pastikan apa aku nak aku dapat.

jadi dipendekkan cerita,

I scored every test after that. first ranking until UPSR.

and yes, 5A for UPSR.

I vividly remember I actually watch anime until 3 am night before exam.

I dont even know how I score and get that 5A.

still, Alhamdullilah.

with that 5A Alhamdullilah I got myself into the most excellent boarding school in Malaysia.

I scored my PMR and SPM with flying colours and i am now on my way to oversea.

cehh takdelah aku tipu.

aku ada 4 sekolah menengah.

AL AMIN, SMK BATU MUDA, MRSM MUKAH, MRSM MERBOK.

and I survived all of it! 

at AL-AMIN, I was... okay? i guess.

But i remember how much I hate that school. 

mostly because the tudung was too big,

and I couldnt bring myself to do the hafazan

( I never actually passed any of my hafazan tests)

and hafazan was compulsory for every students.

i hate the seniors, i hate them all.

too many people judged me.

yeah I used to hate that school 

but there was soo many things that I learnt from that school though.

tapi masa tu aku baru nak up -susah nak terima hidayah.

I believe my parents send me there so that I wouldn't be influence by bad kids

they did the right things.

tapi aku anak sulung akan pastikan semua yang aku nak aku dapat,

aku cakap dah tadi kan,

jadi aku ambil keputusan untuk failed kan semua papers for mid term,

termasuk bahasa melayu. 

untuk ugut mak aku supaya pindahkan sekolah.

CELAKA PUNYA ANAK. 

okay itu dulu. maafkan saya, mama.

jadi.... aku berjaya pindah SMK BATU MUDA

okay taknak cerita pasal sekolah ini.

zaman bodoh bodoh bodoh

ponteng sekolah pakwe rempitzzzz myspace

pakwe tak pernah jumpa ada, pakwe sebelah kelas semua ada

loser loser loser perasan hot bajet cool perasaan swag 

semua jenis kecelakaan ada semasa aku berada di sekolah ini.

I was being rebellious - maximum level.

I wanted to do things the way I want it to be done 

BUT , you guys must be impressed because

I actually got 8A's for PMR. (alhamdullilah)

I never actually study for every test like mid term final exam and stuffs,

mostly I got markah atas atas pagar. nak dekat fail tapi tak fail.

I tried to maintain my grades so that I can still be in the first class.

aku rasa masuk kelas pertama ni macam cool.

3 months before PMR, I started to... study. like betul betul punya study.

sebab utama nak score PMR :

1) classmates semua bijak bijak so taknak kalah.

2) tiada.

so I scored and get my ass out from there.

I didnt manage to get into MRSM at the first place.

masa tu aku rasa masuk mrsm tu cool sbb haziq aliah masuk sana.

bila aku tak dapat aku rasa tak cool.

tapi aku anak sulung akan pastikan apa aku nak aku dapat.

jadi setelah beremo selama sebulan,

aku berjaya menjadi pelajar MRSM (yang aku rasa cool sangat dulu tu)

then, I apparently started to change.

physically and mentally. 

In MRSM, I learned to put trust in Him.

I learned to feel His love

I learned to cry and complain everything only to Him.

Whenever I felt miserable, 

whenever I felt like giving up,

I took my sejadah ,telekung and cried to Him.

that is when I decided to wear hijab.

Dengan penuh rasa bersyukur, 

I again, scored in my SPM and get SPC (skim pelajar cemerlang)

i am now studying at INTEC 

doing foundation in accountancy
and mayyyyyyyybe if I score again,
Im going to further my study in australia.
IF I SCORE.

yeah, cool story bro.
im not trying to show anything

what im trying to say is,

no matter what happend,

ALLAH KNOWS BEST.

Believe in Him.

si penakut yang pandai berkata-kata

twitter. facebook. instagram.

lain tapi tujuannya sama.

tempat di mana semuanya berebut rebut menunjukkan kehebatan hidup mereka.

kononya "bersyukur" dengan apa yang mereka ada.

tempat seorang penakut bersosial - petah berkata kata tetapi diam realitinya.

tempat di mana yang bercinta menunjukkan kenikmatan cinta mereka.

tempat di mana yang tidak berpunya menunjukkan yang mereka tidak apa apa.

di sini

kita luahkan semuanya. kita sampaikan semuanya.

di sini juga kita berdoa - sesetengah dari kita

dimana doa tersebut tak pernah dilafazkan di atas sejadah

tetapi ada di laman dinding masing masing.

here,

we would condemn that we don't want to be judge,

but as we were scrolling, we judge them all.

this is the place where we always judge and offended others

in a coward way.

 

here,

we complain about everything, 

we express all our desire, feelings, hatred.

especially when we were insecure, not knowing ourselves, all clueless and miserable

we kinda hope that someone or any comment or likes from anyone

would make things right

that we were only over-thinking,

that everything would be alright.

some of us

just want to be heard

we want to be a part of the society,

we dont want to be all alone

we dont want to be invisible 

so we heal our loneliness 

again, with a coward way

how we wish to be different from others

though, I guess life is more exciting and challenging.

please

sometimes, I complaint too much, I forgot to make efforts.

and 

sometimes I just want something so bad that it hurts. 

addiction

I like guy who tries hard to achieve something.

I like guy who smiles a lot.

I like guy who don't attached to much with twitter or facebook.

I like you.

But to see you and me together.

it is impossible.

NO. it's not that I don't want to give it a try.

Im just not the type of girl you will date.

I dont have that white fair clean skin.

I dont have that skinny model-type body.

I dont have that dazzling smile.

I dont have anything that will make you look at me twice.

sometimes it seemed so unfair.

all the beautiful girls can get your attention.

well, they may like you too

but im sure i like you a lot more 

You are like a star I will never reach.

but,
this feeling.

I never felt so right.

keceleruan fikiran macam ni lah

aku tak tahu apa yang aku cuba lari.

mungkin dari sakit hati

mungkin dari hasad dengki

mungkin dari ego sendiri

apabila mereka ajak berjumpa kelak

aku akan elak

aku akan cakap tak nak

sebab apa yang aku akan dapat kelak?

gelak?

heh, kalau gelak palsu itu yang engkau mahukan.

silakan.

manusia ada cara tersendiri

ramai yang masih mencari diri sendiri

tetapi aku cuma ingin masa bersendiri

buat masa ini

aku ingin berhenti mencari

dunia aku dan engkau berbeza

kita manusia semua sama

tapi dunia kau masih disana

aku tak tahu apa yang aku mahukan

rasa tertekan 

adakah aku tidak bersyukur?

kalau begitu adakah engkau bersyukur?

sebelum mula menunding jari

tunding jari di muka sendiri

Beautiful memories

what is the meaning of life? cliche. I know.

to tell you the truth, sometimes I feel lost. like..

"what am I doing here?"
 "Is this the right choice to make?"
 "who am I?"
 "what is actually my talent?"
 "why Allah choose me to be here?"
 "what do I really want?"

FA

actually, it is hard to be single. for those who always said something like "i dont care" or "bullshit i dont need a guy/ a girl in my life" , "single best tak payah topup, tak payah habis duit, tak payah heartbroken" tolonglah stop menipu diri sendiri. Everyone needs someone. duhh.

yang single sebab dosa tu  lain cerita. - Alhamdullilah
yang ada bff lain jantina tapi cakap "iloveyou" "iloveyoutoo" setiap malam tu lain cerita.
yang single sebab baru lepas break tu lain cerita.
yang single sebab banyak sangat pilihan dan tak tahu nak pilih mana tu lain cerita.
yang single tapi ramai lelaki/perempuan yang teman setiap saat tu lain cerita.
yang single tapi ramai peminat tu pun lain cerita

the type of single i just mentioned is the one yg single betul betul single- senang cerita yang forever alone tu.

So, one thing about being single, sometimes,I felt so small and nothing compared to others.  In this modern world, between all this billions of poeple- I guess it is normal to feel tht way. is okay to feel small and useless. powerless. nobody. right? tell me I am right! plus we actually are small and weak. we are servant.

it is hard to be all forever alone. especially when your friends is not there. so i guess it is normal.

it was hard when..
sometimes i feel like i am not special
sometimes i feel like nobody care
sometimes i feel like i want to be seen
sometimes i feel like im ugly
okay overlah milla- boleh pergi tidur sekarang!

but to be in a relationship again is hard too. to be truth, i think having a boyfriend wouldn't make anything different. well, maybe it is different to hv anyone out there think you are special and say how pretty you are when you look ugly. to be with you every morning and every night. but i think.. I DONT need a guy to make me feel better about myself.

PLUS, how can i let anyone to love me when i don't even love myself? well, i do love myself. but yeah. okay okay sorry hormones. fine. i think too much.

tak boleh stop merungut manusia ni

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! 

sorry -okay I dont usually use the F word but somehow i need to let it out . here. at this very moment.

what happened ? okay , for the last 2 days, i was wasting my time and then i realize "what the fffffffffff am i doing?". okay sorry again but seriously i can't fly to Australia with this attitude. aku selalu fikir macam "oh aku remaja yang masih mecari erti kehidupan, segala assignment dan study-for-test is really not tht crucial". now tell me, fikiran apakah itu? celaka betul.

okay okay i knowwww I complaint too much. i should now trying to finish all the craps- I mean assignments given. haha tapi entah holiday kan? so when it come to holiday I tend to sleep and watch movies. too much. kalau orang lain tengok movie 2 kali sehari - aku sangatlah tak. believe it or not I just finish the 13th movie within this 2 days. not to mention i slept half of the day. celaka betul.

i wish i can control my attitude. attitude ini tidak akan sesekali bawa aku ke AUSTRALIA. tidak sama sekali. aku tahu itu tapi untuk berubah memang. celaka betul. 

jadi baiklah aku akan berubah. demi masa hadapan anak-anak aku nanti. -poyo macam jahanam je ni.

haha okay Assalamualaikum.

(aku dapat rasakan perubahan)

I MISS ME

apa yang aku lalui , mungkin lain dari apa yang kau lalui . atau mungkin jugak apa yang aku lalui sekarang adalah perkara yang kau tengah atau pernah lalui . basicly , aku just remaja 15tahun yang baru nak belajar macam mana nak buat kesilapan dan macam mana nak belajar dari kesilapan tu . time mcm ni , parents bukan keutamaan , kita akan lebih dengar dan rasa kawan kita lagi betul. actually , aku just nak have fun , aku tak peduli dan aku pentingkan diri sendiri . start sekolah menengah, aku menjalani hidup aku dengan satu prinsip "this is my life , sukahati aku lah nak buat apa dan ikut siapa" . tapi slogan tu dah buat aku sedar dgn banyak perkara . sngt banyak .

what is life ? aku sendiri pun tak tahu . tapi yang aku tahu , terlalu banyak benda yang aku belajar dari hidup ni . kawan bukan lah sesuatu yang boleh kekal . manusia ? manusia ni adalah makhluk yang mempunyai bnyk hasad dengki , manusia mudah lupa dan sngt sngt pentingkan diri sebenarnya . cara aku ckp , bunyi dia macam sngt mendalam , tapi sebenarnya tak . well , aku dah malas nak bagi pendapat aku . sbb aku naive dan tak pandai nak fikir , aku tak pernah serik dan aku mudah terpedaya , kadang2 aku rasa tak layak nak digelar 'manusia' pun . straight to the point , aku memang bodoh .

here is my problem , aku tak boleh nak ckp bnyk, tapi apa yang bolah aku ckp, parents . aku dah taknak malukan dorang , frankly , dorang lah everything bagi aku . fikir je lah , kalau dorang xde , kat mana aku kat dunia ni skrg . sbb dorang lah , at least aku tahu kenapa aku hidup , sbb dorang lah aku dapat belajar eveything . sbb dorang lah aku masih lagi bertahan . sbb dorang lah , aku ada lagi tekad untuk jadi manusia yang berguna . but like i said , aku just remaja 15tahun yg baru nak belajar membuat kesilapan . dan sbb tulah , aku dah hancurkan hati dorang , satu-persatu . even aku syg macam mana pun kat dorang , aku tetap dgn hati dan kedegilan aku . aku kejam dan aku tahu tapi aku tak boleh nak berubah . mungkin sbb aku mmg macam ni .

manusia boleh berubah , tapi individu tu sendiri yang kene ubah diri dia sendiri . same teori , aku boleh berubah tapi hanya aku yang boleh ubah diri aku sendiri . bukan sbb orang lain . aku ada otak dan aku tahu macam mana nak hidup dan tentukan hidup aku . tapi aku dapat belajar something tadi , aku tak boleh nak pentingkan diri sendiri . aku tak boleh nak buat apa yang aku suka sesuka-hati sbb apa yang aku buat akan memberi impak kepada hidup org lain . dan apa yang aku buat akan tentukan masa depan aku kat "akhirat" nanti .


Ada dua benda aku dapat simpul dari post aku yang 3 tahun dulu ni. first, aku agak hebat. second, cara aku menulis dulu teruk betul.

hello

Dear you, I find you very attractive. That's all I want to say.

18tahun

you know, i just realized Im going to turn 18teen and yeah, there were so many memories for the past 18 years. the ups and downs. gosh, somehow when i look  at it, i feel so sad. haha. "zaman sekolah zaman paling tak boleh dilupakan". cliche. i know. somehow so true.

now that i remember, i start writing when i was 15teen. aku selalu panggil tahun tu zaman gelap aku. haha.
sengal. rasa macam cool gila dulu sebab tulis blog. Rasa macam writer bhai. hahaha. okay loser. boleh pergi mati sekarang.

well, so many things happened. time sure flies fast huh? i guess i have changed too. bila baca balik post lama rasa nak bunuh diri. hahahaha



hmm I wonder how I will going to celebrate my 18teen birthday.

EPIC

Apabila perempuan kata "lelaki semua sama" . itu cliche.

tetapi bila ada lelaki cakap "lelaki semua sama" . hmmm

Aku baru beli laptop

tahu tak benda apa paling annoying? bila engkau tengah melayari internet tibatiba pop! laptop engkau shut down sebab kau lupa sambungkan charger. okay aku tahu salah aku sebab hiraukan benda kecik yang keluar kat tepi paparkan "battery 8%" tetapi dia juga katakan "10minutes and the device will shut down".

tetapi tak sampai 2minit laptop aku akan gelap secara tibatiba.

ciss. Aku benci teknologi

this typical type of person

No matter where i go, even now. there will always be this type of person. 

when this type of person saw me studying or revising or finishing something for educational purpose, they would always come and said something like "wahh rajinnyaaaa" "ni mesti comfirm A ni" "eh kenapa rajin sangat? you ni rajin gila kot" and it annoyed me every single time. like seriously.

it is soooo obvious you are trying to say tht you are actually jealous.

it is soooo obvious you are saying my work is not worth it.

it is soooo obvious you are trying to make me feel down.

it is soooo obvious you are trying to say that "oh aku ni tak belajar kuat sangat macam kau pun tapi dapat score jugak. aku kan pandai."

gosh your smirk is written all over your face!

all of my friends (well most of them) will do this to me. even someone im not used to talk to will do the same thing. I just cant understand why! is it really give you all the satisfaction? 

just that, your true motive is so obvious... I just cant ignore it somehow.

you are suppose to be supportive , my dearest friends. are you really are my friends?

ATAU ORANG MELAYU MEMANG BEGINI?

maybe i am being too sensitive i dont know. but no matter where i go this kind of situation will appeared. not only to me but to someone else too. I deeply understand their feelings.

"Life is full of crappy things and there are this type of person that were going to make you feel down and small, so that they can look BIG"

1:41 am

I know this will sound stupid. but even though i went home every weekend (shah alam and kl is merely km's away) but i still feel this kind of homesick. yes this piece of shit. im not quite sure why.

maybe because i hv to struggle here.

maybe because my english is still so sucks compared to others.

maybe because im not confident enough with myself.

maybe because i dont have anybody here.

maybe because i think too much.

maybe because mathemathical studies is extremely hard.


i guess i just have to speak with the one that love me most-ALLAH.

like, pray for me. i need tht. i feel hopeless. a mess.

YA ALLAH, show me the way.

a piece of dream

You know the feeling when you dont know what is wrong with you but you still feel this feelings. unsure and uncertain feelings. macam ada benda tersekat kat hati. and then you realized you completely feel nothing. yeah i thought so, hormonal turbulence.

Assalamualaikum to whoever tht is still reading this.

you know, study is not that hard. i guess. tipu. it is hard. since I'm not exactly what you can call a genius. but then Alhamdulillah DENGAN IZINNYA I have been performing academically well since UPSR, PMR. and TRIAL SPM - with a hard work. (my trial result is not consider as excellent but it managed to get me here, in INTEC)

while most of my friends are relaxing and sleeping and working and relaxing relaxing relaxing and complaining how bored their life are. here i am at INTEC = revising, memorising, worrying about up-coming assignments and examinations -simply sucks. TAK BUKAN KUFUR NIKMAT KE APA. I am still grateful to be here. Allah picked me to be here. I am the chosen one. ALHAMDULLILAH ALHAMDULLILAH ALHAMDULLILAH.

you know, the thing is, I hv always get what I want. I was raised like tht- not tht i want to. so its always easy for me to feel vulnerable , week, insecure , sensitive and yeah you got what i mean. I OBVIOUSLY NOT A STRONG PERSON. I easily give up on everything. But not in study i guess. i dont know its just tht I know i owed my parents so so much and this is the ONLY thing I can at least do for them. since you know, im not a good daughter. i love to rebel and not to mention how extremely selfish I can be. So, I want to make them proud of me. tak banyak sikit pun jadilah.

but its been harder and harder and harder. but i guess life is just like that.

AUSMAT programme is tough. if you think SPM is tough, well wait until you see how i look now. okay, I am exaggerating it a bit but yeah. if i can't get 85% for my SACE examination- which is at the end of this year. i am done. my dream will only remain as a dream. BUT PUH-LEASE I REALLY WANT TO FLY. I REALLY REALLY WANT TO FULFILL my parent's dream. i just want this so badly i think im going to cry. YA ALLAH.

okay, AUSMAT is hard (SUSAH GILA KAU TAU TAK) and i am still progressing really really slow compared to the others (also, my english sucks) but i will hold this words : NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE.

this 3 remarkable powerful words. and i will fight this time. i will not be tht powerless pampered easily give up Milla anymore.

- and of course, I always have HIM. Ya Allah, permudahkanlah urusanku. YA ALLAH..