hey

aku dah bagitahu ke yang aku dah kahwin?


haha surprise!

date : 15.11.2016

Dear blog,
Im sorry I have abandon you for years.
I just finished my degree. Oh my so many things has changed.
Im getting married next year. still the same guy though. Im glad.

I hope everything will go well.
No matter what happens.

To hakimi, (i swear not a cheesy post)

If u're following my instagram,

u must know how HOPELESSLY romantic I am.

really, I might be 20.

but when it comes to love, I.am.the.most.IMMATURE.PERSON.EVER.

I sound like a 15teen y/o girl getting her first boyfriend. tbh.

GAWD.

ok tapi tu lain cerita la.

this one, 

talking about what I learn from him,

Dear hakimi zakaria,

You're different. And when i say different, not a cool kind of different. You are just abits different then most of the guys I know. And this is why i found u interesting. U see, while most of us are busy attaining all the fame & attention ESPECIALLY in social media, u tak pernah nak kisah pun what's it all about. Bila u log in instagram, u log in twice a day.. tu pun sebab u cakap u rasa bersalah tak like gambar orang?? Pe masalah you ni haha And u literally followed everyone back on Instagram. (Even strangers). 

Say, U are such an honest person. Not only to other ppl, but also to urself. And when u do something or go somewhere, it is never to impress anyone, anyone at all. U can wear the same fucking shirt 9 times a week & u can go to  Venice & not take a single picture there. U memang buat everything 100% sebab nak create memories (so tht u can have so many things to look back on bila u dah tua nanti) and u tak pernah nak kisah being judged or making effort to achive ppl's standards of happiness. Kalau u happy, u happy la. U were never in this invisible competition where ppl want to prove that their life is better than others. Sebab tu I impressed listening to your stories, I can tell its the best memories. Ppl may not know them.. but they are all yours. And all of them are real. (Unless u tipu la). And this. is what I learned from you (among with many other things). You're real.

its been forever. oh and its 2015

sebenarnya memang dah lama nak update blog.
tapi tak ter-update sebab eh--
ada orang like gambar dekat instagram puleks
eh ni ni siapa kahwin ni
ha lagipun kalau ada benda nak kongsi aku upload la dekat twitter ke, facebook ke, insta ke,
nampak tak aku gila punya terpengaruh dengan social media.
but somehow, aku taknak la berhenti blogging.
bukan ada orang nak sangat baca pun
tapi atleast nanti aku sendiri boleh baca. kan?
sebab aku tahu diary ke apa memang tak jalan.

and,
there're too many things/feelings I want to remember.

sebab aku ingat lagi ada satu time ni, aku macam feeling lost, empty
pastu nak solat pun masa tu period.
pastu aku macam annoyed semacam dengan semua benda
pastu aku bukak blog ni balik. aku baca balik apa yang aku tulis dulu.
perasaan yang aku sorang je tahu masa tu.
aku baca balik. dari post pertama kot, gigih tak gigih
feelings dia macam sangat...how do i say this.
entahlah. macam aku tengah bercakap dengan diri sendiri?
but not me, the old me
and aku sedar macam, wow
I CHANGED. a lot.

and suddenly im 20 and im like 50% the old me and 50% the new me.
and everything is different....
but, everything is good.\\

insyaAllah

tak terlihat engkau

banyak sangat benda dah berubah

tapi

kenapa kau masih tak nampak aku sebagai perempuan

kau

benda dunia ni kejap je sebenarnya.
mati tu bila bila kot
lepastu kau akan dapat balasan atas
sekecil-kecil dosa dan sebesar-besar pahala

kau tak takut ke?

pelik kan macam mana kita percaya balasan neraka, seksaan kubur,
tapi bila tinggal satu solat fardhu, kita tak rasa apa?

2:45 pagi

sebab mungkin dalam hati aku,

ada ruang yang aku tak berani nak sentuh

Penat aku lari

penat sangat

terjatuh tesungkur terjelepok tersalah terluka

sampai sini

lepas tu bila dah sampai,

aku tanya balik "kenapa aku dekat sini"

tapi aku taknak balik

apa yang ada dekat sana

tapi apa yang ada dekat sini

macam semua tempat, benci aku

atau aku

benci aku

"sayang kerana Allah"

macam mana tu?

kau boleh nampak.
cara dia approach kau.
cara dia jaga batas dengan kau.


aku cemburu. tapi harap kau bahagia, kawan.

Assalamualaikum,

aku dah dekat negara orang.

aku nak
semua

friends

But
at the end of the day
All you have is yourself

nafsu

pernah tak kau rasa

sangat sangat berdosa

tapi akhirnya kau tak buat apa apa

nafsu

kalau aku boleh buang kau

dah lama aku buang

tak pun

aku pijak pijak sampai hancur

kepada abang yang muka macam que haidar,

kebab yang awak jual kat pasar malam memang sedap.

KEJAM AKU

sebab aku rasa nak menangis
hidup ni susah
hati perasaan semua aku macam nak campak
sebab aku taknak peduli lagi.


tapi
aku kena berjuang demi masa hadapan
nak mengalah sekarang memang tak berguna

aku 18tahun
masih jauh untuk aku pergi

mungkin sekarang susah
supaya aku bersedia untuk susah yang akan datang

aku nak jerit
aku nak tidur
aku nak belah
aku nak lari

tapi akhirnya aku kat sini
luahkan semua yang ada dalam hati

walaupun aku tahu
tak kira panjang mana aku mengadu kat sini
ia takkan mengubah apa apa

aku kena menghadapi realiti
akhirnya

argh. aku perlu berdoa.

lelaki

sometimes, guys

they think they are so cool so

they make fun of the girls

I admit, girls do overreact sometimes

we are sensitive, predictable, gedik, drama queen,

but really guys,

sometimes you just have to look at us further

more, deeply. i guess 

because we are more than that

most of the time we regret everything we say

or everything we do

we even feel sorry for ourselves 

Dear future,

please be nice,
go ahead and make me cry
make me suffer
but at the end of the day,
please tell me that
everything is worth it
and I would be fine.

we accept the love we think we deserve

somehow when I was reading this line before
I felt there are some kind of feelings in my heart
that i can relate to

umm you see, I havent actually found the right one, umm yet
Im not actually looking, though
there are so many things happening now
and I was busy with my foundation

well crush is a lot different story
they just come and go,
just a little something to fill the loneliness inside

but you see even though im quite busy with stuffs
there were times when I really thought a lot about these things

sometimes I really just accepted the love I thought I deserved
just that I wanted to be loved
I wanted to feel something
with someone

like I said before, im not looking
but you can say there are some guys
ah well
mostly they come and go (or me running away)
and every single of them will left me with something
its either a lesson, or.. idk i cant think
urgh im not talking  about this

thing is, when I started to think about liking someone
(and when I like someone, I always like someone who is sexy as hell)
I couldnt help but feel that this guy is too good for me
there I am, with average beauty and average body
not sopan santun, talk a lot about crappy things
amazingly not attractive, not worthy, a loser.

but lately I have been ignoring this negative bullshit
that I created myself
i started to think about
"dude im sexy as hell and funny as ever. despite my average look, im not plain. there are so many greatness in me. I couldnt even express that in words."

and yeah life is mostly full of bullshit
but believe me, you are what you think you are
dont let those negative things define you.

we accept the love we think we deserve, and we deserve a beautiful one.

so keep going
because all the good things come to those who wait.

being alone

lately,

I always be alone. like you can say I walk, drive and eat alone.

not that im being anti social or anything.

but you can say this phase im facing right now is quite bizarre

cause I never think so much and talk too little in my life.

mostly I just talk craps and whatever random things on my mind.

but at this very moment, Im quite comfortable

with all these.

now I have time to think about everything again

like what I said before

what I did before

i tried to define myself

and I thought more about

what im going to do next

not that I dont think about them before

I did

but when you are all alone

you kinda see things more clearly

and feel something more deeply

intensely

I have been thinking so much about my future. 

random things like what I really want to do with my life

what I ought to do to be happy

that kind of stuffs.

and before when I was walking alone 

I observed more about my surroundings

I never actually did that. 

and when I did, I felt..

emm idk how to describe these feelings

but yeah something just stab me right in the heart

and surprisingly I feel much much better, positive, grateful  

that kind of things

I always be that funny random cheerful girl

that just who I am. I cant stop being myself

but im grateful that now I have more time for myself

im still confused though

my grammar sucks. yeah

i will be focusing more on that

after this

i promise

sebab aku percaya

well im quite strong. I never actually knew how strong I am.
I think im going to be fine.
my future is going to be awesome.
im going to find a great man.
im going to have a nice family.
a great job, nice kids, big house, shinny cars.

semua aku boleh redah.
sebab selagi aku percaya aku tahu aku boleh.
aku mesti boleh.
sebab nikmat hidup kita boleh rasa selagi kita berjalan.
kalau jatuh pun kira nikmat jugak la.
mana boleh kau jalan tak pernah jatuh.
takpe aih jatuh.
selagi kita bangun
selagi kita percaya semua benda yang jadi ada hikmahnya
apa orang kata?

everything happens for a reason.

selagi kau genggam ayat ni.
selagi kau sanjung Dia
selagi nyawa dikandung badan
selagi kau tak mati
kau mesti boleh.

macam aku,
orang yang selalu pijak aku adalah diri aku sendiri.
kalau aku kuat pijak, aku mesti kuat untuk bangun balik.
hati memang tak boleh control.
tapi satu benda hidup mesti kena terus ke depan.
nak rehat jap tepi jalan pun boleh.
tapi lepastu kena masuk track balik.
kene ke depan.
kalau nak pandang belakang pun jeling jeling sudah lah
yang penting kau pergi depan.
kalau kau stop pastu pandang kat belakang je buat apa.
depan je.
tu je hala tuju kau.

apa nak jadi pun jadi lah.