friends

But
at the end of the day
All you have is yourself

nafsu

pernah tak kau rasa

sangat sangat berdosa

tapi akhirnya kau tak buat apa apa

nafsu

kalau aku boleh buang kau

dah lama aku buang

tak pun

aku pijak pijak sampai hancur

kepada abang yang muka macam que haidar,

kebab yang awak jual kat pasar malam memang sedap.

KEJAM AKU

sebab aku rasa nak menangis
hidup ni susah
hati perasaan semua aku macam nak campak
sebab aku taknak peduli lagi.


tapi
aku kena berjuang demi masa hadapan
nak mengalah sekarang memang tak berguna

aku 18tahun
masih jauh untuk aku pergi

mungkin sekarang susah
supaya aku bersedia untuk susah yang akan datang

aku nak jerit
aku nak tidur
aku nak belah
aku nak lari

tapi akhirnya aku kat sini
luahkan semua yang ada dalam hati

walaupun aku tahu
tak kira panjang mana aku mengadu kat sini
ia takkan mengubah apa apa

aku kena menghadapi realiti
akhirnya

argh. aku perlu berdoa.

lelaki

sometimes, guys

they think they are so cool so

they make fun of the girls

I admit, girls do overreact sometimes

we are sensitive, predictable, gedik, drama queen,

but really guys,

sometimes you just have to look at us further

more, deeply. i guess 

because we are more than that

most of the time we regret everything we say

or everything we do

we even feel sorry for ourselves 

Dear future,

please be nice,
go ahead and make me cry
make me suffer
but at the end of the day,
please tell me that
everything is worth it
and I would be fine.

we accept the love we think we deserve

somehow when I was reading this line before
I felt there are some kind of feelings in my heart
that i can relate to

umm you see, I havent actually found the right one, umm yet
Im not actually looking, though
there are so many things happening now
and I was busy with my foundation

well crush is a lot different story
they just come and go,
just a little something to fill the loneliness inside

but you see even though im quite busy with stuffs
there were times when I really thought a lot about these things

sometimes I really just accepted the love I thought I deserved
just that I wanted to be loved
I wanted to feel something
with someone

like I said before, im not looking
but you can say there are some guys
ah well
mostly they come and go (or me running away)
and every single of them will left me with something
its either a lesson, or.. idk i cant think
urgh im not talking  about this

thing is, when I started to think about liking someone
(and when I like someone, I always like someone who is sexy as hell)
I couldnt help but feel that this guy is too good for me
there I am, with average beauty and average body
not sopan santun, talk a lot about crappy things
amazingly not attractive, not worthy, a loser.

but lately I have been ignoring this negative bullshit
that I created myself
i started to think about
"dude im sexy as hell and funny as ever. despite my average look, im not plain. there are so many greatness in me. I couldnt even express that in words."

and yeah life is mostly full of bullshit
but believe me, you are what you think you are
dont let those negative things define you.

we accept the love we think we deserve, and we deserve a beautiful one.

so keep going
because all the good things come to those who wait.

being alone

lately,

I always be alone. like you can say I walk, drive and eat alone.

not that im being anti social or anything.

but you can say this phase im facing right now is quite bizarre

cause I never think so much and talk too little in my life.

mostly I just talk craps and whatever random things on my mind.

but at this very moment, Im quite comfortable

with all these.

now I have time to think about everything again

like what I said before

what I did before

i tried to define myself

and I thought more about

what im going to do next

not that I dont think about them before

I did

but when you are all alone

you kinda see things more clearly

and feel something more deeply

intensely

I have been thinking so much about my future. 

random things like what I really want to do with my life

what I ought to do to be happy

that kind of stuffs.

and before when I was walking alone 

I observed more about my surroundings

I never actually did that. 

and when I did, I felt..

emm idk how to describe these feelings

but yeah something just stab me right in the heart

and surprisingly I feel much much better, positive, grateful  

that kind of things

I always be that funny random cheerful girl

that just who I am. I cant stop being myself

but im grateful that now I have more time for myself

im still confused though

my grammar sucks. yeah

i will be focusing more on that

after this

i promise

sebab aku percaya

well im quite strong. I never actually knew how strong I am.
I think im going to be fine.
my future is going to be awesome.
im going to find a great man.
im going to have a nice family.
a great job, nice kids, big house, shinny cars.

semua aku boleh redah.
sebab selagi aku percaya aku tahu aku boleh.
aku mesti boleh.
sebab nikmat hidup kita boleh rasa selagi kita berjalan.
kalau jatuh pun kira nikmat jugak la.
mana boleh kau jalan tak pernah jatuh.
takpe aih jatuh.
selagi kita bangun
selagi kita percaya semua benda yang jadi ada hikmahnya
apa orang kata?

everything happens for a reason.

selagi kau genggam ayat ni.
selagi kau sanjung Dia
selagi nyawa dikandung badan
selagi kau tak mati
kau mesti boleh.

macam aku,
orang yang selalu pijak aku adalah diri aku sendiri.
kalau aku kuat pijak, aku mesti kuat untuk bangun balik.
hati memang tak boleh control.
tapi satu benda hidup mesti kena terus ke depan.
nak rehat jap tepi jalan pun boleh.
tapi lepastu kena masuk track balik.
kene ke depan.
kalau nak pandang belakang pun jeling jeling sudah lah
yang penting kau pergi depan.
kalau kau stop pastu pandang kat belakang je buat apa.
depan je.
tu je hala tuju kau.

apa nak jadi pun jadi lah.

Dear papa,

you know i used to wonder why I never see you cry before. i mean,  you never cried in front of me. ever. not even once. not even when our relatives died or when granpa was sick. when i was being rebellious when im not listening. but now tht i think about it, i have figured that you love me so much. you never show your tears because you want to show me tht no matter what happens, even if something bad happens, you want to convince me that everything is going to be alright. nothing can hurt me as long as you're there. pa, i know how much you had suffered before. you were born poor. papa hidup dengan 2 helai baju sehelai seluar. pa nina tahu dulu papa basuh baju orang untuk dapatkan duit dekat asrama. nina tahu dulu atuk miskin. adik beradik papa ramai. papa tak balik raya sebab takde duit. your life used to be soooo hard. i know. thats why papa taknak anak anak papa lalui benda yang sama papa pernah lalui. sebab tu tak kira apa pun terjadi papa taknak kami rasa sikit pun susah.

you know what papa, i used to think that we are rich. because you gave me everything. dslr phone money laptop cloths shoes name it. i have it all. But as i grow up I started to observe more. Pa, the only reason why i thought that we are rich is because you never show me how much pain you hv been through to get everything I need. i never realize how busy you are (work at 7 until 5) and how many times you have been sick. Pa, i never see you suffer. i thought life was easy for you. you can get whatever you want whatever you wish.

 i was wrong. pa, ( too young to realise). pa, the worst thing is, you never spent for yourself. I WAS SOOO STUPID TO ONLY SEE IT NOW. I am sorry pa. even that papa yang cari duit tu susah susah dari pagi sampai malam yang belanja duit titik peluh papa semua kami pa. you gave everything tht mama wants. dari rumah kereta sampai segala galanya. every penny of them falls to us. pa, I know how old and annoying your laptop is. BUT YOU BOUGHT ME THE LATEST ONE PA! you didnt spend your money for yourself  but you bought me one instead just because I said that I want one.even though you rarely used your laptop, I know you still need them. i thought you never want anything.  until one day, I found out that you want something for yourself. a bike that cost ratus ribu idk. sama harga dengan sebijik kereta. pa, for the first time in my life, you said that you want to buy something for yourself. not for mama not for me. for you.. and gosh I know how much you want them. even though you never mention how bad you want that bike but i know pa. i know that you always buy a magazine about them, I once saw you watched youtube about it. i once heard your conversation that if I manage to fly, you wished to buy that bike from australia keep it there for one year and bring it here. and if i am going to be a student there, it will be no problem to do so.

 pa, i hope i can fulfill your dream this time. I never gave you anything. anything pa. so this time. only for this time i wish i can give something to you. i can never repay your kindness, but at least this time pa. i really want to do this for you. because I know if I failed this time, you will forget about that bike and buy me a car instead. kalau nina belajar kat Malaysia I know. you would definitely do that. but if I failed, im sorry. im going to try so hard but if takde rezeki, please.. my foundation is hard. so hard i can barely breath for myself. but they said nothing is impossible. pray for me. well, i know you always do that 

I love you pa. i love you so much.

HAHA

to be frank, I HATE GRAMMAR. i really do. i dont even know how to pronounce that word correctly.

berubah

orang tak reti bersyukur.

memang bodoh.

bodoh

bodoh

bodohlah kau milla!

.

"perasan swag, rasa semua orang musuh kita, its a part of growing up"

AFIQ  HR

LOL

mengimbas memori dengan penuh perasaan

lapan belas tahun aku hidup.

tahu umur tu masih tak matang

garam tak cukup makan lagi.

hidup tak penuh dengan duri lagi.

I just need to say that I am remarkably grateful for having such a wonderful life.

I didn't get everything that I wanted but.... yeah.

aku sedar, aku anak sulung - selalu pastikan yang apa aku nak, aku dapat.

sebenarnya nak cerita

my childhood was actually more or less the same with everyone.

I have mama papa adik nenek atuk sedara jiran.

crush sebelah rumah , crush anak kawan mama.

pretty much the same.

but, back then I was rebellious. 

pergi sekolah pun pakai make-up you.

rambut tocang dua kalau tak taknak pergi sekolah.

ponteng sekolah perkara biasa.

ponteng puasa jangan cerita.

menipu menipu menipu menipu.

senang cerita aku ni memang penipu habis dulu.

orang kata mula mula menipu lama lama mencuri.

tak kisah siapa orang tu, tapi dia betul.

aku mula mencuri. curi duit mama sekali rm50 , 

curi duit tabung sendiri walaupun mama tak kasi.

okay aku tarik balik, mungkin childhood kita berbeza.

but then I was grateful to have such an amazing parents,

who raised me up and give me a birthday cake every year.

they give me everything they could to make sure 

I have everything I need.

In primary school,

you can say i am quite.. better.

bukan devil yang suka menipu dan mencuri lagi.

kejap, menipu tu mungkin.

old habits are hard to die.

aku mula suka anime entah apa apa

lepastu first exam aku dapat number 2 dalam class.

kalah dengan bestfriend sendiri.

aku bukan suka sangat belajar dulu.

nak kata rajin, balik rumah melantak membongkang macam boss adelah.

tapi aku tak suka kalah.

dannnnn sebab aku rasa aku nak dapat number 1 aku pun study lah.

aku dah kata aku memang selalu pastikan apa aku nak aku dapat.

jadi dipendekkan cerita,

I scored every test after that. first ranking until UPSR.

and yes, 5A for UPSR.

I vividly remember I actually watch anime until 3 am night before exam.

I dont even know how I score and get that 5A.

still, Alhamdullilah.

with that 5A Alhamdullilah I got myself into the most excellent boarding school in Malaysia.

I scored my PMR and SPM with flying colours and i am now on my way to oversea.

cehh takdelah aku tipu.

aku ada 4 sekolah menengah.

AL AMIN, SMK BATU MUDA, MRSM MUKAH, MRSM MERBOK.

and I survived all of it! 

at AL-AMIN, I was... okay? i guess.

But i remember how much I hate that school. 

mostly because the tudung was too big,

and I couldnt bring myself to do the hafazan

( I never actually passed any of my hafazan tests)

and hafazan was compulsory for every students.

i hate the seniors, i hate them all.

too many people judged me.

yeah I used to hate that school 

but there was soo many things that I learnt from that school though.

tapi masa tu aku baru nak up -susah nak terima hidayah.

I believe my parents send me there so that I wouldn't be influence by bad kids

they did the right things.

tapi aku anak sulung akan pastikan semua yang aku nak aku dapat,

aku cakap dah tadi kan,

jadi aku ambil keputusan untuk failed kan semua papers for mid term,

termasuk bahasa melayu. 

untuk ugut mak aku supaya pindahkan sekolah.

CELAKA PUNYA ANAK. 

okay itu dulu. maafkan saya, mama.

jadi.... aku berjaya pindah SMK BATU MUDA

okay taknak cerita pasal sekolah ini.

zaman bodoh bodoh bodoh

ponteng sekolah pakwe rempitzzzz myspace

pakwe tak pernah jumpa ada, pakwe sebelah kelas semua ada

loser loser loser perasan hot bajet cool perasaan swag 

semua jenis kecelakaan ada semasa aku berada di sekolah ini.

I was being rebellious - maximum level.

I wanted to do things the way I want it to be done 

BUT , you guys must be impressed because

I actually got 8A's for PMR. (alhamdullilah)

I never actually study for every test like mid term final exam and stuffs,

mostly I got markah atas atas pagar. nak dekat fail tapi tak fail.

I tried to maintain my grades so that I can still be in the first class.

aku rasa masuk kelas pertama ni macam cool.

3 months before PMR, I started to... study. like betul betul punya study.

sebab utama nak score PMR :

1) classmates semua bijak bijak so taknak kalah.

2) tiada.

so I scored and get my ass out from there.

I didnt manage to get into MRSM at the first place.

masa tu aku rasa masuk mrsm tu cool sbb haziq aliah masuk sana.

bila aku tak dapat aku rasa tak cool.

tapi aku anak sulung akan pastikan apa aku nak aku dapat.

jadi setelah beremo selama sebulan,

aku berjaya menjadi pelajar MRSM (yang aku rasa cool sangat dulu tu)

then, I apparently started to change.

physically and mentally. 

In MRSM, I learned to put trust in Him.

I learned to feel His love

I learned to cry and complain everything only to Him.

Whenever I felt miserable, 

whenever I felt like giving up,

I took my sejadah ,telekung and cried to Him.

that is when I decided to wear hijab.

Dengan penuh rasa bersyukur, 

I again, scored in my SPM and get SPC (skim pelajar cemerlang)

i am now studying at INTEC 

doing foundation in accountancy
and mayyyyyyyybe if I score again,
Im going to further my study in australia.
IF I SCORE.

yeah, cool story bro.
im not trying to show anything

what im trying to say is,

no matter what happend,

ALLAH KNOWS BEST.

Believe in Him.

si penakut yang pandai berkata-kata

twitter. facebook. instagram.

lain tapi tujuannya sama.

tempat di mana semuanya berebut rebut menunjukkan kehebatan hidup mereka.

kononya "bersyukur" dengan apa yang mereka ada.

tempat seorang penakut bersosial - petah berkata kata tetapi diam realitinya.

tempat di mana yang bercinta menunjukkan kenikmatan cinta mereka.

tempat di mana yang tidak berpunya menunjukkan yang mereka tidak apa apa.

di sini

kita luahkan semuanya. kita sampaikan semuanya.

di sini juga kita berdoa - sesetengah dari kita

dimana doa tersebut tak pernah dilafazkan di atas sejadah

tetapi ada di laman dinding masing masing.

here,

we would condemn that we don't want to be judge,

but as we were scrolling, we judge them all.

this is the place where we always judge and offended others

in a coward way.

 

here,

we complain about everything, 

we express all our desire, feelings, hatred.

especially when we were insecure, not knowing ourselves, all clueless and miserable

we kinda hope that someone or any comment or likes from anyone

would make things right

that we were only over-thinking,

that everything would be alright.

some of us

just want to be heard

we want to be a part of the society,

we dont want to be all alone

we dont want to be invisible 

so we heal our loneliness 

again, with a coward way

how we wish to be different from others

though, I guess life is more exciting and challenging.