si penakut yang pandai berkata-kata

twitter. facebook. instagram.

lain tapi tujuannya sama.

tempat di mana semuanya berebut rebut menunjukkan kehebatan hidup mereka.

kononya "bersyukur" dengan apa yang mereka ada.

tempat seorang penakut bersosial - petah berkata kata tetapi diam realitinya.

tempat di mana yang bercinta menunjukkan kenikmatan cinta mereka.

tempat di mana yang tidak berpunya menunjukkan yang mereka tidak apa apa.

di sini

kita luahkan semuanya. kita sampaikan semuanya.

di sini juga kita berdoa - sesetengah dari kita

dimana doa tersebut tak pernah dilafazkan di atas sejadah

tetapi ada di laman dinding masing masing.

here,

we would condemn that we don't want to be judge,

but as we were scrolling, we judge them all.

this is the place where we always judge and offended others

in a coward way.

 

here,

we complain about everything, 

we express all our desire, feelings, hatred.

especially when we were insecure, not knowing ourselves, all clueless and miserable

we kinda hope that someone or any comment or likes from anyone

would make things right

that we were only over-thinking,

that everything would be alright.

some of us

just want to be heard

we want to be a part of the society,

we dont want to be all alone

we dont want to be invisible 

so we heal our loneliness 

again, with a coward way

how we wish to be different from others

though, I guess life is more exciting and challenging.

please

sometimes, I complaint too much, I forgot to make efforts.

and 

sometimes I just want something so bad that it hurts. 

addiction

I like guy who tries hard to achieve something.

I like guy who smiles a lot.

I like guy who don't attached to much with twitter or facebook.

I like you.

But to see you and me together.

it is impossible.

NO. it's not that I don't want to give it a try.

Im just not the type of girl you will date.

I dont have that white fair clean skin.

I dont have that skinny model-type body.

I dont have that dazzling smile.

I dont have anything that will make you look at me twice.

sometimes it seemed so unfair.

all the beautiful girls can get your attention.

well, they may like you too

but im sure i like you a lot more 

You are like a star I will never reach.

but,
this feeling.

I never felt so right.

keceleruan fikiran macam ni lah

aku tak tahu apa yang aku cuba lari.

mungkin dari sakit hati

mungkin dari hasad dengki

mungkin dari ego sendiri

apabila mereka ajak berjumpa kelak

aku akan elak

aku akan cakap tak nak

sebab apa yang aku akan dapat kelak?

gelak?

heh, kalau gelak palsu itu yang engkau mahukan.

silakan.

manusia ada cara tersendiri

ramai yang masih mencari diri sendiri

tetapi aku cuma ingin masa bersendiri

buat masa ini

aku ingin berhenti mencari

dunia aku dan engkau berbeza

kita manusia semua sama

tapi dunia kau masih disana

aku tak tahu apa yang aku mahukan

rasa tertekan 

adakah aku tidak bersyukur?

kalau begitu adakah engkau bersyukur?

sebelum mula menunding jari

tunding jari di muka sendiri

Beautiful memories

what is the meaning of life? cliche. I know.

to tell you the truth, sometimes I feel lost. like..

"what am I doing here?"
 "Is this the right choice to make?"
 "who am I?"
 "what is actually my talent?"
 "why Allah choose me to be here?"
 "what do I really want?"

FA

actually, it is hard to be single. for those who always said something like "i dont care" or "bullshit i dont need a guy/ a girl in my life" , "single best tak payah topup, tak payah habis duit, tak payah heartbroken" tolonglah stop menipu diri sendiri. Everyone needs someone. duhh.

yang single sebab dosa tu  lain cerita. - Alhamdullilah
yang ada bff lain jantina tapi cakap "iloveyou" "iloveyoutoo" setiap malam tu lain cerita.
yang single sebab baru lepas break tu lain cerita.
yang single sebab banyak sangat pilihan dan tak tahu nak pilih mana tu lain cerita.
yang single tapi ramai lelaki/perempuan yang teman setiap saat tu lain cerita.
yang single tapi ramai peminat tu pun lain cerita

the type of single i just mentioned is the one yg single betul betul single- senang cerita yang forever alone tu.

So, one thing about being single, sometimes,I felt so small and nothing compared to others.  In this modern world, between all this billions of poeple- I guess it is normal to feel tht way. is okay to feel small and useless. powerless. nobody. right? tell me I am right! plus we actually are small and weak. we are servant.

it is hard to be all forever alone. especially when your friends is not there. so i guess it is normal.

it was hard when..
sometimes i feel like i am not special
sometimes i feel like nobody care
sometimes i feel like i want to be seen
sometimes i feel like im ugly
okay overlah milla- boleh pergi tidur sekarang!

but to be in a relationship again is hard too. to be truth, i think having a boyfriend wouldn't make anything different. well, maybe it is different to hv anyone out there think you are special and say how pretty you are when you look ugly. to be with you every morning and every night. but i think.. I DONT need a guy to make me feel better about myself.

PLUS, how can i let anyone to love me when i don't even love myself? well, i do love myself. but yeah. okay okay sorry hormones. fine. i think too much.

tak boleh stop merungut manusia ni

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! 

sorry -okay I dont usually use the F word but somehow i need to let it out . here. at this very moment.

what happened ? okay , for the last 2 days, i was wasting my time and then i realize "what the fffffffffff am i doing?". okay sorry again but seriously i can't fly to Australia with this attitude. aku selalu fikir macam "oh aku remaja yang masih mecari erti kehidupan, segala assignment dan study-for-test is really not tht crucial". now tell me, fikiran apakah itu? celaka betul.

okay okay i knowwww I complaint too much. i should now trying to finish all the craps- I mean assignments given. haha tapi entah holiday kan? so when it come to holiday I tend to sleep and watch movies. too much. kalau orang lain tengok movie 2 kali sehari - aku sangatlah tak. believe it or not I just finish the 13th movie within this 2 days. not to mention i slept half of the day. celaka betul.

i wish i can control my attitude. attitude ini tidak akan sesekali bawa aku ke AUSTRALIA. tidak sama sekali. aku tahu itu tapi untuk berubah memang. celaka betul. 

jadi baiklah aku akan berubah. demi masa hadapan anak-anak aku nanti. -poyo macam jahanam je ni.

haha okay Assalamualaikum.

(aku dapat rasakan perubahan)

I MISS ME

apa yang aku lalui , mungkin lain dari apa yang kau lalui . atau mungkin jugak apa yang aku lalui sekarang adalah perkara yang kau tengah atau pernah lalui . basicly , aku just remaja 15tahun yang baru nak belajar macam mana nak buat kesilapan dan macam mana nak belajar dari kesilapan tu . time mcm ni , parents bukan keutamaan , kita akan lebih dengar dan rasa kawan kita lagi betul. actually , aku just nak have fun , aku tak peduli dan aku pentingkan diri sendiri . start sekolah menengah, aku menjalani hidup aku dengan satu prinsip "this is my life , sukahati aku lah nak buat apa dan ikut siapa" . tapi slogan tu dah buat aku sedar dgn banyak perkara . sngt banyak .

what is life ? aku sendiri pun tak tahu . tapi yang aku tahu , terlalu banyak benda yang aku belajar dari hidup ni . kawan bukan lah sesuatu yang boleh kekal . manusia ? manusia ni adalah makhluk yang mempunyai bnyk hasad dengki , manusia mudah lupa dan sngt sngt pentingkan diri sebenarnya . cara aku ckp , bunyi dia macam sngt mendalam , tapi sebenarnya tak . well , aku dah malas nak bagi pendapat aku . sbb aku naive dan tak pandai nak fikir , aku tak pernah serik dan aku mudah terpedaya , kadang2 aku rasa tak layak nak digelar 'manusia' pun . straight to the point , aku memang bodoh .

here is my problem , aku tak boleh nak ckp bnyk, tapi apa yang bolah aku ckp, parents . aku dah taknak malukan dorang , frankly , dorang lah everything bagi aku . fikir je lah , kalau dorang xde , kat mana aku kat dunia ni skrg . sbb dorang lah , at least aku tahu kenapa aku hidup , sbb dorang lah aku dapat belajar eveything . sbb dorang lah aku masih lagi bertahan . sbb dorang lah , aku ada lagi tekad untuk jadi manusia yang berguna . but like i said , aku just remaja 15tahun yg baru nak belajar membuat kesilapan . dan sbb tulah , aku dah hancurkan hati dorang , satu-persatu . even aku syg macam mana pun kat dorang , aku tetap dgn hati dan kedegilan aku . aku kejam dan aku tahu tapi aku tak boleh nak berubah . mungkin sbb aku mmg macam ni .

manusia boleh berubah , tapi individu tu sendiri yang kene ubah diri dia sendiri . same teori , aku boleh berubah tapi hanya aku yang boleh ubah diri aku sendiri . bukan sbb orang lain . aku ada otak dan aku tahu macam mana nak hidup dan tentukan hidup aku . tapi aku dapat belajar something tadi , aku tak boleh nak pentingkan diri sendiri . aku tak boleh nak buat apa yang aku suka sesuka-hati sbb apa yang aku buat akan memberi impak kepada hidup org lain . dan apa yang aku buat akan tentukan masa depan aku kat "akhirat" nanti .


Ada dua benda aku dapat simpul dari post aku yang 3 tahun dulu ni. first, aku agak hebat. second, cara aku menulis dulu teruk betul.

hello

Dear you, I find you very attractive. That's all I want to say.

18tahun

you know, i just realized Im going to turn 18teen and yeah, there were so many memories for the past 18 years. the ups and downs. gosh, somehow when i look  at it, i feel so sad. haha. "zaman sekolah zaman paling tak boleh dilupakan". cliche. i know. somehow so true.

now that i remember, i start writing when i was 15teen. aku selalu panggil tahun tu zaman gelap aku. haha.
sengal. rasa macam cool gila dulu sebab tulis blog. Rasa macam writer bhai. hahaha. okay loser. boleh pergi mati sekarang.

well, so many things happened. time sure flies fast huh? i guess i have changed too. bila baca balik post lama rasa nak bunuh diri. hahahaha



hmm I wonder how I will going to celebrate my 18teen birthday.

EPIC

Apabila perempuan kata "lelaki semua sama" . itu cliche.

tetapi bila ada lelaki cakap "lelaki semua sama" . hmmm

Aku baru beli laptop

tahu tak benda apa paling annoying? bila engkau tengah melayari internet tibatiba pop! laptop engkau shut down sebab kau lupa sambungkan charger. okay aku tahu salah aku sebab hiraukan benda kecik yang keluar kat tepi paparkan "battery 8%" tetapi dia juga katakan "10minutes and the device will shut down".

tetapi tak sampai 2minit laptop aku akan gelap secara tibatiba.

ciss. Aku benci teknologi

this typical type of person

No matter where i go, even now. there will always be this type of person. 

when this type of person saw me studying or revising or finishing something for educational purpose, they would always come and said something like "wahh rajinnyaaaa" "ni mesti comfirm A ni" "eh kenapa rajin sangat? you ni rajin gila kot" and it annoyed me every single time. like seriously.

it is soooo obvious you are trying to say tht you are actually jealous.

it is soooo obvious you are saying my work is not worth it.

it is soooo obvious you are trying to make me feel down.

it is soooo obvious you are trying to say that "oh aku ni tak belajar kuat sangat macam kau pun tapi dapat score jugak. aku kan pandai."

gosh your smirk is written all over your face!

all of my friends (well most of them) will do this to me. even someone im not used to talk to will do the same thing. I just cant understand why! is it really give you all the satisfaction? 

just that, your true motive is so obvious... I just cant ignore it somehow.

you are suppose to be supportive , my dearest friends. are you really are my friends?

ATAU ORANG MELAYU MEMANG BEGINI?

maybe i am being too sensitive i dont know. but no matter where i go this kind of situation will appeared. not only to me but to someone else too. I deeply understand their feelings.

"Life is full of crappy things and there are this type of person that were going to make you feel down and small, so that they can look BIG"

1:41 am

I know this will sound stupid. but even though i went home every weekend (shah alam and kl is merely km's away) but i still feel this kind of homesick. yes this piece of shit. im not quite sure why.

maybe because i hv to struggle here.

maybe because my english is still so sucks compared to others.

maybe because im not confident enough with myself.

maybe because i dont have anybody here.

maybe because i think too much.

maybe because mathemathical studies is extremely hard.


i guess i just have to speak with the one that love me most-ALLAH.

like, pray for me. i need tht. i feel hopeless. a mess.

YA ALLAH, show me the way.

a piece of dream

You know the feeling when you dont know what is wrong with you but you still feel this feelings. unsure and uncertain feelings. macam ada benda tersekat kat hati. and then you realized you completely feel nothing. yeah i thought so, hormonal turbulence.

Assalamualaikum to whoever tht is still reading this.

you know, study is not that hard. i guess. tipu. it is hard. since I'm not exactly what you can call a genius. but then Alhamdulillah DENGAN IZINNYA I have been performing academically well since UPSR, PMR. and TRIAL SPM - with a hard work. (my trial result is not consider as excellent but it managed to get me here, in INTEC)

while most of my friends are relaxing and sleeping and working and relaxing relaxing relaxing and complaining how bored their life are. here i am at INTEC = revising, memorising, worrying about up-coming assignments and examinations -simply sucks. TAK BUKAN KUFUR NIKMAT KE APA. I am still grateful to be here. Allah picked me to be here. I am the chosen one. ALHAMDULLILAH ALHAMDULLILAH ALHAMDULLILAH.

you know, the thing is, I hv always get what I want. I was raised like tht- not tht i want to. so its always easy for me to feel vulnerable , week, insecure , sensitive and yeah you got what i mean. I OBVIOUSLY NOT A STRONG PERSON. I easily give up on everything. But not in study i guess. i dont know its just tht I know i owed my parents so so much and this is the ONLY thing I can at least do for them. since you know, im not a good daughter. i love to rebel and not to mention how extremely selfish I can be. So, I want to make them proud of me. tak banyak sikit pun jadilah.

but its been harder and harder and harder. but i guess life is just like that.

AUSMAT programme is tough. if you think SPM is tough, well wait until you see how i look now. okay, I am exaggerating it a bit but yeah. if i can't get 85% for my SACE examination- which is at the end of this year. i am done. my dream will only remain as a dream. BUT PUH-LEASE I REALLY WANT TO FLY. I REALLY REALLY WANT TO FULFILL my parent's dream. i just want this so badly i think im going to cry. YA ALLAH.

okay, AUSMAT is hard (SUSAH GILA KAU TAU TAK) and i am still progressing really really slow compared to the others (also, my english sucks) but i will hold this words : NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE.

this 3 remarkable powerful words. and i will fight this time. i will not be tht powerless pampered easily give up Milla anymore.

- and of course, I always have HIM. Ya Allah, permudahkanlah urusanku. YA ALLAH..